Wednesday, 18 April 2012

On loss, loneliness and why I am a fucked up person.

Ever since I was born my dad used to randomly just disappear - leaving my mum and me behind.
No idea where he was or if he was ever going to come back.
Eventually coming back to us - until one day my mum threw him out.
Just to take him back a few months later.
My mum was working through that time and i couldn't stay at home.
I was going through relatives and family friends - sometimes staying overnight.

The first guy I was with - one day, before we would meet and I had already booked my flight, (We lived apart.),
he just disappeared. No more message. No indication of why he was gone or where.

Then later while I was working and living in Japan, my mum called to say that my dad had disappeared.
First time since long.
I think when I was there the penny never really dropped and even when i came back it didnt become quite clear to me.

I went on with my life.
I slowly found out that my best friend was suffering from depression and
had been staying at home for quite a while.
But we were not gonna give up.
I helped her to get into the same course i did, and she went for a while.
But one day she again stopped going. We would meet less and less because she
didnt feel good to meet.  We talked less and less.
I carried on dropping letters and little things into her mailbox.
At some point I got to know that she got a boyfriend, a guy from the previous course.
Conversation became rare and one-sided.
I moved country.
When I came back home for a visit, she actually came over.
For 5 minutes. Explaining she didn't have much time.
Conversation cut off.

One day my mum called - my dad was found dead in France.
Even til now I don't think I can comprehend what has happened.
I always thought we would somehow meet again.

Now after 3 & 1/2 year, the person I've come to love the most
will be going away.
And I can't do anything about it.

I hate being weak. I don't want to be dependend on anyone.
That's why I act arrogant. That's why I try and pretend not to care.
That's why I say what I don't mean.
Why I have become someone that hurts.
A monster.

It is my fault. I could have been a better daughter.

I could have been a better girlfriend.

Truth is, I am dependend. And I'm weak. And I'm tired.
I want just one person to say  'Where are you? I'm here. I'm coming back.'

For now I will smile. And fit in.
And keep everything as superficial as I can.