On loss, loneliness and why I am a fucked up person.

Ever since I was born my dad used to randomly just disappear - leaving my mum and me behind.
No idea where he was or if he was ever going to come back.
Eventually coming back to us - until one day my mum threw him out.
Just to take him back a few months later.
My mum was working through that time and i couldn't stay at home.
I was going through relatives and family friends - sometimes staying overnight.

The first guy I was with - one day, before we would meet and I had already booked my flight, (We lived apart.),
he just disappeared. No more message. No indication of why he was gone or where.

Then later while I was working and living in Japan, my mum called to say that my dad had disappeared.
First time since long.
I think when I was there the penny never really dropped and even when i came back it didnt become quite clear to me.

I went on with my life.
I slowly found out that my best friend was suffering from depression and
had been staying at home for quite a while.
But we were not gonna give up.
I helped her to get into the same course i did, and she went for a while.
But one day she again stopped going. We would meet less and less because she
didnt feel good to meet.  We talked less and less.
I carried on dropping letters and little things into her mailbox.
At some point I got to know that she got a boyfriend, a guy from the previous course.
Conversation became rare and one-sided.
I moved country.
When I came back home for a visit, she actually came over.
For 5 minutes. Explaining she didn't have much time.
Conversation cut off.
Gone.

One day my mum called - my dad was found dead in France.
Even til now I don't think I can comprehend what has happened.
I always thought we would somehow meet again.

Now after 3 & 1/2 year, the person I've come to love the most
will be going away.
Gone.
And I can't do anything about it.

I hate being weak. I don't want to be dependend on anyone.
That's why I act arrogant. That's why I try and pretend not to care.
That's why I say what I don't mean.
Why I have become someone that hurts.
A monster.

It is my fault. I could have been a better daughter.

I could have been a better girlfriend.


Truth is, I am dependend. And I'm weak. And I'm tired.
I want just one person to say  'Where are you? I'm here. I'm coming back.'


For now I will smile. And fit in.
And keep everything as superficial as I can.

[VIDEO GAME] M&S London 2012

Today is the Europe launch day of
Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games.
(America got it a bit earlier.)

image source

The game pretty much is a partygame/mini-game collection and
- best played in multiplayer mode with some competitive friends -
a guarantee for fun time.
It is also great to be really active and get those Wii-Remotes shaking. xD


I dont think it is something you'd play constantly for years -
but well worth being picked up from time to time later on.

This is also shameless self-promoting. xDDD I worked on this game for several months
(I sacrificed my summer holidays to this...-emotional attachment much xD)
- and am still looking forward to playing it again with my family this Christmas.

Y U NO BAKE?

And on to more baking!

I made those chocolate cookies topped with royal icing yesterday - they looked so pretty -...

... and ruined them today.
After having seen a perfect example of these online, I had to try it.
I bought one of these edible black food pens to draw on the icing..
however even after 12 hours the royal icing on some was still too wet and the pen broke through.
Turns out I put the icing on too thick.
Ahahahaharg!
So this is how they turned out:

 Selection of my favourites:

I also bought edible glitter~ It's amazing!!

But my stupid phone camera just doesn't get it...

Anyways, now I'm somewhat

and tired....