Holiday

I'm on a holiday in south-west Florida at the moment.

So far I have

- found out that I actually forgot how to ride a bicycle 

- explained my amateur version of baseball to an american

- eaten a bucket of raw seafood

- set off the hotel's fire alarm and had everyone evacuated

- bought one of those touristy t-shirts

- encountered a lot of strange foods (avocado ice cream *yummy*)

- nearly passed out in the heat

- drank more than my yearly dose of ice tea in 4 days

Angry fish is angry.

....basically having an awesome time! =)

Off to the beach~~~

On loss, loneliness and why I am a fucked up person.

Ever since I was born my dad used to randomly just disappear - leaving my mum and me behind.
No idea where he was or if he was ever going to come back.
Eventually coming back to us - until one day my mum threw him out.
Just to take him back a few months later.
My mum was working through that time and i couldn't stay at home.
I was going through relatives and family friends - sometimes staying overnight.

The first guy I was with - one day, before we would meet and I had already booked my flight, (We lived apart.),
he just disappeared. No more message. No indication of why he was gone or where.

Then later while I was working and living in Japan, my mum called to say that my dad had disappeared.
First time since long.
I think when I was there the penny never really dropped and even when i came back it didnt become quite clear to me.

I went on with my life.
I slowly found out that my best friend was suffering from depression and
had been staying at home for quite a while.
But we were not gonna give up.
I helped her to get into the same course i did, and she went for a while.
But one day she again stopped going. We would meet less and less because she
didnt feel good to meet.  We talked less and less.
I carried on dropping letters and little things into her mailbox.
At some point I got to know that she got a boyfriend, a guy from the previous course.
Conversation became rare and one-sided.
I moved country.
When I came back home for a visit, she actually came over.
For 5 minutes. Explaining she didn't have much time.
Conversation cut off.
Gone.

One day my mum called - my dad was found dead in France.
Even til now I don't think I can comprehend what has happened.
I always thought we would somehow meet again.

Now after 3 & 1/2 year, the person I've come to love the most
will be going away.
Gone.
And I can't do anything about it.

I hate being weak. I don't want to be dependend on anyone.
That's why I act arrogant. That's why I try and pretend not to care.
That's why I say what I don't mean.
Why I have become someone that hurts.
A monster.

It is my fault. I could have been a better daughter.

I could have been a better girlfriend.


Truth is, I am dependend. And I'm weak. And I'm tired.
I want just one person to say  'Where are you? I'm here. I'm coming back.'


For now I will smile. And fit in.
And keep everything as superficial as I can.

[VIDEO GAME] M&S London 2012

Today is the Europe launch day of
Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games.
(America got it a bit earlier.)

image source

The game pretty much is a partygame/mini-game collection and
- best played in multiplayer mode with some competitive friends -
a guarantee for fun time.
It is also great to be really active and get those Wii-Remotes shaking. xD


I dont think it is something you'd play constantly for years -
but well worth being picked up from time to time later on.

This is also shameless self-promoting. xDDD I worked on this game for several months
(I sacrificed my summer holidays to this...-emotional attachment much xD)
- and am still looking forward to playing it again with my family this Christmas.